Craig Cantoni, ScottsdaleHallelujah! Now that Democrats have taken controlSat Nov 11, 2006 15:18
Rejoice, voters! Because of you, all good things will come to pass
Nov. 11, 2006 12:00 AM
Hallelujah! Now that Democrats have taken control of Congress, we can expect:
• Gas prices to drop to $1.25, because Republicans will no longer be able to feather the nest of Big Oil with obscene profits.
• Cars to run on hydrogen, corn syrup and refried beans, because Republicans will no longer be able to control the laws of physics.
• The wage gap to become non-existent, because differences in intelligence, drive, determination, personal responsibility and common sense will be outlawed.
• Unemployment to drop to zero when the minimum wage increases to $22.35 per hour, because the demand for labor increases when the cost of labor increases, and not the reverse, as ignorant, mean-spirited Republicans had stupidly claimed.
• Test scores of below-average students to skyrocket to above-average levels, because Democrats will outlaw the Republican-invented Bell curve.
• The Dow to hit 18,000 in 2007, because it's an economic fact that the best way of growing an economy is to penalize risk-takers, innovators and the industrious.
• The price of medicine and health care to plummet, because it's another economic fact that when you give people free stuff, demand goes down.
• Foreign investors to swamp the country in capital, because they really don't care about the return on their investments, as the Republicans had led us to believe.
• Government to control even more of the economy, because government is clearly better at allocating scarce resources, as the Soviet Union, Cuba, North Korea and France have proven.
• Single-parent households to grow exponentially, because Republicans won't be able to spread the lie that such households are the primary cause of poverty, crime and school dropouts.
• Wal-Mart to go out of business, because Republicans won't be able to perpetuate another myth that people prefer low prices to high prices.
• Muslim extremists to stop killing Americans and enslaving women, because their extremism was caused by Republicans, who never understood the glories of multiculturalism and the fact that all cultures are equally good, except the American culture.
In conclusion, since things are going to be so much better with the Democrats controlling Congress, let's hope that they also gain control of the White House.
Craig Cantoni, Scottsdale
The writer is an author, columnist and small "L" libertarian.
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