Rejoice, voters! Because of you, all good things will
come to pass
Nov. 11, 2006 12:00 AM
Hallelujah! Now that Democrats have taken control of
Congress, we can expect:
• Gas prices to drop to $1.25, because Republicans will
no longer be able to feather the nest of Big Oil with
obscene profits.
• Cars to run on hydrogen, corn syrup and refried beans,
because Republicans will no longer be able to control
the laws of physics.
• The wage gap to become non-existent, because
differences in intelligence, drive, determination,
personal responsibility and common sense will be
outlawed.
• Unemployment to drop to zero when the minimum wage
increases to $22.35 per hour, because the demand for
labor increases when the cost of labor increases, and
not the reverse, as ignorant, mean-spirited Republicans
had stupidly claimed.
• Test scores of below-average students to skyrocket to
above-average levels, because Democrats will outlaw the
Republican-invented Bell curve.
• The Dow to hit 18,000 in 2007, because it's an
economic fact that the best way of growing an economy is
to penalize risk-takers, innovators and the industrious.
• The price of medicine and health care to plummet,
because it's another economic fact that when you give
people free stuff, demand goes down.
• Foreign investors to swamp the country in capital,
because they really don't care about the return on their
investments, as the Republicans had led us to believe.
• Government to control even more of the economy,
because government is clearly better at allocating
scarce resources, as the Soviet Union, Cuba, North Korea
and France have proven.
• Single-parent households to grow exponentially,
because Republicans won't be able to spread the lie that
such households are the primary cause of poverty, crime
and school dropouts.
• Wal-Mart to go out of business, because Republicans
won't be able to perpetuate another myth that people
prefer low prices to high prices.
• Muslim extremists to stop killing Americans and
enslaving women, because their extremism was caused by
Republicans, who never understood the glories of
multiculturalism and the fact that all cultures are
equally good, except the American culture.
In conclusion, since things are going to be so much
better with the Democrats controlling Congress, let's
hope that they also gain control of the White House.
Craig Cantoni, Scottsdale
The writer is an author, columnist and small "L"
libertarian.
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