Vatican Retail for the Holidays ??

The Times November 02, 2005

Today only! Beat the Christmas rush! Only from Vatican Retail Inc
Notebook by Alan Coren

::nobreak::Watching a programme about Pope Benedict’s first six months in office, I was intrigued by his opinion “that the Church should engage in direct marketing”. Knowing you can’t wait for its brochure, Iet me leak you a pirated copy.

Papal Radiator Shelving
When His Holiness wishes to avoid nasty brown stains on the Vatican walls while at the same time needing something to stand stuff on, e.g. holy money-box, sacred bracket clock, executive papal toy or similar, he does not go bothering Almighty God, he gets on the blower to 0VIII0V IIIVVV and asks for Dept XVIII! Within days, he is looking at a handsome addition to his home in fashionable beechette or oakolene, securely fastened with brass-type brackets requiring only the most rudimentary understanding of the hammer to fix. £VIII euros per metre, ex-works. Guaranteed virtually heat-resistant.

A Papal tan in minutes!!!
Busy popes, as you know, do not have time to lie about in the sun developing a nut-brown tan that makes all heads turn — yet they still have to look good to millions of devoted fans. What is the answer?

The answer, now for the first time available to the general public, is DOM NUMERO V, in tub or aerosol. This is a scientific mixture of unguents and similar rare chemicals, all mixed up together in one of the world’s top monasteries. Just slap it on, and watch in amazement as you turn a rich, deep permanent hue that will not wash off unless you try. The not-unpleasant smell also keeps cats away, under normal conditions. £XXXIV.LV per crate, inc. p+p (cash only). BOX MLXXII, Vatican City.

The Benetron Magnetic Bracelet
Rigorously tested at our Lourdes laboratories, over a million of these health-giving pieces of elegant cutting-edge jewellery made from stuff very similar to that found on the Moon are already in daily use!

Not just a handsome adornment to any wrist, these are scientifically proven devices which draw unhealthy fumoids from the immune system, relieving trapped wind and squints in seconds, and attract salutary epsilon rays from Outer Space which top doctors agree can add valuable years in your spare time, assist career prospects and shrivel unsightly nits without the need for painful enemas.

Don’t delay, e-mail your wrist measurement (state whether left or right ) and credit card details NOW to www.popejoanthewad.com .

Fully Extendable Papal Loft Ladder
Converts instantly to Papal Kitchen Steps. As developed specifically for looking a bit closer at the Sistine Chapel ceiling, this lightweight aluminium-style ladder will lean against any wall. When not in use, it can be folded up and used either as kitchen steps or simply as something to look at and wonder what it’s like when it’s unfolded. Makes great Xmas gift (non-returnable). £XXV from all reputable cathedrals.

“As the first Pope blessed with the means to get into St Peter’s loft, this ladder has opened my eyes, I can tell you!” His Holiness Benedict XVI.

Genuine Ex-Popes’ raincoats
Due to an ordering oversight, XL thousand of these husky mock-gabardine trench-type coats are now available to non-Popes at less than cost! Unique football-style buttons, many of them symmetrical, he-man belt with integral buckle, two (II) patch pockets, and half-lined with sturdy bubblewrap normally found only on ex-Popes’ raincoats at twice the price!

Papal Rain Requisites, Unit VIII, Rome XIX. First MM purchasers will receive folding plastic shower-mitre.

Learn to play the ukulele in VII days or your money back! Thanks to His Holiness’s AMAZING SECRET METHOD, you can strum a lovely song even on the first day, e.g. When I’m Cleaning Windows, Knees Up Father Brown, The Ball of Kirriemuir, or other fine melodies.

“Not just a fascinating hobby, my amazing secret method could earn you £££’s!” Pope Benedict XVI.

Write for details to: Amazing Secret Method House, Flat IVa, Vatican City.

Just out!!! Combination Papal Trouser Press/XXXXII-inch Plasma TV/Bedside Radio Alarm Espresso Machine/Digital Hostess Trolley/Wood-Fired Microwave Oven!!!
Box XC, Castel Gandolfo.

“A miracle! How does he do it for under a tenner? “Dalai Lama

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