On A June Day


Walking along watching couples, families and groups of people speaking foreign languages
The grass is neatly trimmed, the walks have post and are chained off
I know where I am going but I do not feel warm and fuzzy inside
I should, the sun is shinning, I am with my husband, it is our six month anniversary
As we walk down the steps and round a curve, my hands begin to shake
I look into my husband’s eyes, he see the fear and tells me we don’t have to do this
My response is yes I do.
There they are, the books, my God can I do this, am I really here
I begin to look through the books, my eyes well up with tears, hands trembling
I can’t read a word on any page, my whole body is shaking with - with what?
My husband has been here before, he gently asks for the spelling of the name
I tell him quietly, barely able to speak above a whisper
I write down the direction - East or West and the panel number
I was only a child of not quiet eleven, but I remember
He was not coming home ever again, but he was my friend, a big brother sort of
As we walk along the black wall I watch other people, it seems to be hushed
All too soon we are at the panel, I shake even more, I look for the name through my tears
My husband knows all too well what I am going through, for his best friend’s name is here also
Suddenly my heart stops, I reach out and touch the Wall, my heart aches more than I ever imagined
I shake with no control, the tears are now sobs and I see for the first time the truth
I cry out loud “It wasn’t fair, he only had seven days before he was to shipped home!!
I turn to my husband who has been standing in silence - I look like a lost child
He reaches out to hold me and I fall into his arms, I cry with open abandon
For the first time I can grieve, I cry out “Oh My God, this hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the age of forty-four, I am regressed to that ten year old in my mind
After all these years I never knew it would hurt this bad.
I turn back to the Wall and sobbing out of control I leave a smoke for him
A smoke he will never inhale from but all the same it is his with honor.


copy right 2001 Vickie Gilbert-Hampson

Vickie Gilbert - Hampson