CHERYL'S SUNDAY NEWS SPECIAL

CHERYL'S SUNDAY NEWS SPECIAL:

A little black humor for a Sunday afternoon

TODAY'S HEADLINES

CNN Report on Iraq Election - 'EDITED FOR ACCURACY' by Cheryl Seal

CHERYL'S EDITING IN BRACKETS

"BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- As election workers [on the Hallifburton payroll] in Iraq counted [and/or burned] millions of paper ballots cast in the constitutional referendum, U.S. Secretary of State [and token White House black person] Condoleezza Rice said Sunday the measure "had probably passed" but cautioned she didn't know the final outcome. [ "Of course," she added off the record, "if it's not the one we want, we'll just change it before we anyone finds out!"]

"Rice told [well-bribed] reporters traveling with her in London that she had spoken Sunday with U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay ["Puppet Man"] Khalilzad and her comments were based on "the assessment of [our election rigging] people on the ground."

"There is a belief that it has probably passed," Rice said.["Seeing as how we've already burned a million or so ballots marked "NO."]

"But minutes after Rice made the comments, a State Department spokesman [fearing Rice was making the rigging of the election a little too obvious] said Rice [eager to cover the White House ass] also wanted to emphasize that "we don't know" how the referendum will turn out."

WEATHER NEWS

A new tropical storm brewing in the Caribbean that is expected to develop into a hurricane, has sent global warming "skeptics" in the Bush administration scrambling to deflect claims that the new storm is yet more evidence of a global warming cycle. "We have decided to redefine what counts as a "hurricane,"" said a National Weather Service spokesperson. "We are now calling tropical storms "big thunderstorms." What are now called category 1 through 3 hurricanes will be referred to as "very big thunderstorms with substantial wind." What are now category 4 and 5 hurricanes will be reclassed as "category 1 and 2." So now, by official NWS definition, the hurricane season of 2005 was actually pretty mild: several very big thunderstorms and a handful of category 1 and 2 hurricanes. No big whoop."" When asked how the NWS planned to account for the destruction caused by the two "category 1 storms" that hit the Gulf coast, the spokesperson said "We have that covered, too. We plan to call that "natural urban renewal.""

ON TV TODAY

This morning on "Meet the Press," Tim Russert, eager to build that new addition on his Kalorama mansion [which is a few doors down from Dick Cheney's place], ran an unedited White House script in place of his usual program in exchange for what is reported to be a steeper-than-usual fee. An anonymous White House source said that Russert has been making taking advantage of Bush's poll woes by demanding what the source described as "outrageous" fees in exchange for letting the White House use "Meet the Press" as its prime weekend propaganda outlet [the source said he preferred the term "official information"].

Since the start of the Bush administration, Russert has added an Olympic swimming pool, deluxe guest house, private movie screening room, a Lamborghini, a Rolls Royce, and a 10-person staff to his Kalorama estate. Each addition marks a strategic point in Bush's presidency: "We call that the 'Energy Bill" screening room," said one Russert staff member who asked not to be named, "And that's the "Pre-War Spin" guest house...and over there is the "Poll Dip" swimming pool." He poked me in the ribs to make sure I got the double entendre.

Today's show, which includes an attack on Bill Clinton, including new allegations by corrupt ex-FBI top dog Louis Freeh that links Clinton, but not Bush, to the Saudis, an appearance by Condoleeza Rice touting how great things are looking in Iraq, a plug for Harriet Miers, and a segment that makes the case that everything that has gone wrong since Bush took office is really the FBI's fault. (The White House source said they had wanted to go with a "blame the CIA" theme, but feared the guys in the agency might have a little too much dirt on Bush and Co.) The Russert addition financed by this show, said the staff member, will pay for what has already been dubbed the "The Color of Money" pool room.